I have depression....
There. I said it. It took me a long time to finally admit to myself that I was depressed. I don't really know exactly what brought it on, I've never been able to figure that out. It took me even longer to tell people that were close to me that I had depression.
My family doesn't even know yet. I haven't had the courage to tell them. I finally broke down to Catherine one night, she has been one of my biggest supporters in this. I told MK shortly afterward too. She continually is always there when I need her.
Depression isn't the easiest thing to deal with, I think anyone with it can relate. There will be a day where you'll be feeling fine, then a black cloud will settle over you and suddenly you can't go on. You become an expert on the fake smile, practicing your "i'm fine" in the mirror. Acting like everything is great, but really you're dying on the inside. Depression is hell, depression isn't a phase, its a disease. Depression is screaming where nobody can hear you. Depression is falling apart without anybody noticing.
I can tell you this, its important to tell someone. I don't know if i'd even be here if I didn't have MK and Catherine to be there for me.
Anxiety has also become a part of my life. I have been medically diagnosed with anxiety. I went to the ER a couple weeks ago with heart palpitations and trouble breathing. Anxiety had taken its toll on my body. I am now on anxiety meds and I am doing ok with it.
Anxiety is staying up all night questioning if anyone actually cares. Anxiety is not feeling good enough. Anxiety is overthinking, asking over and over again if its even worth going on. Anxiety is being overwhelmed and breaking down at the smallest things. Anxiety is being exhausted from trying to be stronger than you actually are.
This is me being honest. I'm in a better mental state than I was a year ago. A year ago, I wouldn't have even dared to even try to write this in a post. I want the world to finally see that mental health needs to become a priority in our society. Too many suffer, too many take their own lives to stop it. This is my call, spread the word. Let the world know, let our voices rise in harmony.
My mental health does not define me.
Lilah
